1. Yes, this blog is not meant to be taken seriously. I have intentionally chosen topics that are not deserving of anger (or, if they might be somewhat worthy of outrage, I have chosen to rail against them in a nonsensical manner).
2. This blog is based on the game Don't Get Me Started, which encourages players to make absurd rants on mundane topics.
3. The title of my blog comes from Shakespeare's Othello, Act 4, Scene 2. The tagline for the blog comes from King Lear, Act 1, Scene 1.
4. I am open to suggestions. If you have any ideas, please place them in the comments below.
Without further ado, let's begin.
Don't even get me started on
Squirrels
Take a moment to look around campus and you'll see them. Standing there in the fields and among the trees, watching you with the squirrelly little eyes, doing that disgusting thing rubbing their hands on their heads. The gall of these rodents! They dare come dangerously close to humans, acting as though they are more than large rats with small heads and an ugly pinecone of a tail sprinting from tree to tree and startling passersby as they go.Even worse than their appearance is the abominable sound that they make. Mice squeak, birds chirp, but squirrels emit a noise that sounds roughly like tearing metal pitched up 5 octaves. Even worse, when one squirrel starts, every squirrel within earshot decides that now is the perfect time to practice their a capella and begins to join along in the cacophony. They are truly the worst. I hate squirrels. Hate them. Don't even get me started on
Vehicles
I'm sure you're wondering what exactly could possibly be wrong with vehicles. They make life so much easier, right? Well that's just the point. Life isn't supposed to be easy. When I walked the 180 miles from my home to Penn State, carrying with me several hundred pounds of clothing, bedding, containers, and other supplies, you didn't hear me complaining. And yet everywhere I look, everyone seems to be on some sort of wheeled device, moving around without even working for the privilege.These "cars" and "aircraft" and "horse-drawn carriages" are going to be the downfall of our society. When this generation of weaklings is no longer able to bear a brief 75-mile saunter, let alone any real travelling, we'll be sure to fall to some foreign dictatorship that understands the value of walking in no time.
Even worse are the boats and the airplanes and everything that doesn't move over land. Do you know why I don't play games with cheat codes? Because it's not fun when you get to move in ways that you're not intended to, and that's why such vehicles are wrong. Where are your wings? Can you fly? Exactly. Then why are you flying on an airplane? It's as bad as using the Konami Code. Only a coward uses vehicles. I hate vehicles. Hate them. Don't even get me started on
First, I LOVE your post! It was so funny! I'm really excited to see what you'll post next! I think you could blog next about something as simple as maybe a pencil, or a pen. I like the vehicle part of this post, because it was obviously sarcastic, but you still made some valid points! We do somewhat take having a car for granted. Being a college student, I do miss my car and realize how helpful it truly is! Good luck on your next post!
ReplyDeleteJacob, these rants are hilarious! I'm taken aback on what could possibly be wrong with the cute, fuzzy squirrels on campus. They make my walk feel so... fall. However, I can definitely relate to the cacophony of noise. Annoying. Considering your rant on vehicles, I have no idea what I'd do without one! There's no way I would've survived my journey to Penn State with all my stuff. I barely even fit it all in the car. Honestly, keep these rants up. They're fresh and funny, and everyone needs a little more humor in their day.
ReplyDeleteAt some point during the semester, please consider ranting about rain. And maybe traffic. And people who staple papers badly.
ReplyDeleteFun blog!