Further Anger

Pancakes

I am, at my core, a simple and straightforward man. I hold firm in my belief that words should generally mean what they say. For example, when I hear the word cake, I think of this:

(photo credit Eric Savage)

Note the properties that make this a cake. It is a baked good, made of a sugary dough with some kind of additional flavor (usually chocolate or vanilla) and topped with icing. In order for it to be a cake, it must fulfill these properties. Other words containing cake must also follow this principle; for example, a cupcake still fulfills all of the requirements for a cake and differs only in shape, size, and method of presentation from an average cake.

What, then, would you expect a pancake to be? Perhaps a cake that this exact size and shape of a skillet? No. That would be too easy. A pancake is fried bread. Other than eggs, milk, and flour, it shares nothing in common with cake. Imagine how many people have been disappointed over the years, expecting cake but instead receiving this pathetic breakfast food.

This wouldn't be a problem if pancakes were inherently tasty. If I was expecting cake and got baklava, I would not be disappointed. Unfortunately that is not the case.

You might protest, of course, that you have eaten and enjoyed pancakes many times in the past. That, however, is because pancakes are not generally eaten in a vacuum but usually have other, good tasting foods stuck inside of them and ludicrous amounts of syrup and butter added on top. I defy you to find any food that doesn't taste good after it has been drowned in pure, distilled sugar and fat.

Alone, the pancake is pathetic. It's just bread. In fact, it's flavorless bread. If I wanted to eat pure bread, there are plenty of breads that taste good on their own, but I would get better taste and probably more nutrition out of stale Wonderbread than a pancake on its own. Pancakes are terrible. They are truly the worst food. Don't even get me started on

Rain

I'm a big believer in the golden rule. If I wouldn't want something done to me, I don't do it to anyone else. I've found that most people seem to agree that this is a good idea. Even among the animal kingdom this kind of basic respect is easy to find (even rattlesnakes will often leave you alone).

Evidently that logic does not apply to the sky. What does that have to do with the rain, you might ask? Well, ask yourself this: when's the last time you evaporated some water, condensed it, and then threw it into the sky for hours on end? Imagine how inconvenienced the sky would be.

And yet the sky does exactly the same thing to us. Does it stop to think of what the consequences are? No. Does it consider how we feel? No. It just decides on a whim to drench us without cause. It's the rudest of all  natural phenomena and I personally can't stand it. It's the worst. Don't even get me started on

An Explanation and First Rants

Before I begin I would like to clear up a few questions that some people may have with this passion blog.

1. Yes, this blog is not meant to be taken seriously. I have intentionally chosen topics that are not deserving of anger (or, if they might be somewhat worthy of outrage, I have chosen to rail against them in a nonsensical manner).

2. This blog is based on the game Don't Get Me Started, which encourages players to make absurd rants on mundane topics.

3. The title of my blog comes from Shakespeare's Othello, Act 4, Scene 2. The tagline for the blog comes from King Lear, Act 1, Scene 1.

4. I am open to suggestions. If you have any ideas, please place them in the comments below.

Without further ado, let's begin.

Don't even get me started on

Squirrels

Take a moment to look around campus and you'll see them. Standing there in the fields and among the trees, watching you with the squirrelly little eyes, doing that disgusting thing rubbing their hands on their heads. The gall of these rodents! They dare come dangerously close to humans, acting as though they are more than large rats with small heads and an ugly pinecone of a tail sprinting from tree to tree and startling passersby as they go.

Even worse than their appearance is the abominable sound that they make. Mice squeak, birds chirp, but squirrels emit a noise that sounds roughly like tearing metal pitched up 5 octaves. Even worse, when one squirrel starts, every squirrel within earshot decides that now is the perfect time to practice their a capella and begins to join along in the cacophony. They are truly the worst. I hate squirrels. Hate them. Don't even get me started on

Vehicles

I'm sure you're wondering what exactly could possibly be wrong with vehicles. They make life so much easier, right? Well that's just the point. Life isn't supposed to be easy. When I walked the 180 miles from my home to Penn State, carrying with me several hundred pounds of clothing, bedding, containers, and other supplies, you didn't hear me complaining. And yet everywhere I look, everyone seems to be on some sort of wheeled device, moving around without even working for the privilege.

These "cars" and "aircraft" and "horse-drawn carriages" are going to be the downfall of our society. When this generation of weaklings is no longer able to bear a brief 75-mile saunter, let alone any real travelling, we'll be sure to fall to some foreign dictatorship that understands the value of walking in no time.

Even worse are the boats and the airplanes and everything that doesn't move over land. Do you know why I don't play games with cheat codes? Because it's not fun when you get to move in ways that you're not intended to, and that's why such vehicles are wrong. Where are your wings? Can you fly? Exactly. Then why are you flying on an airplane? It's as bad as using the Konami Code. Only a coward uses vehicles. I hate vehicles. Hate them. Don't even get me started on